Last night I was sitting around writing shitty poetry and contemplating the idea that solitude is only a useful condition in contrast to it's opposite. Simply being alone in and of itself, I reckoned, does not provide any benefits. And further, solitude is not just being away from other people. The critical element is getting away from presence with other people.
I think this may explain another dimension to why some people have trouble with solitude; it's not just that they fear being left alone with their own demons, but rather that they were not experiencing connection beforehand. They were not present with other people, but merely taking weak comfort (or annoyance) in the illusion of connection provided by the proximity to others, and when the door of solitude slams hard shut there is no powerful vacuum, no juxtaposition, just a stagnant emptiness.
But quite the opposite happens when moving from an intense presence with others into solitude. When that door slams shut, the vacuum created is powerful indeed and creates the space and force differential to suck thoughts and ideas into the void. And with all the freshly liberated power for processing these things in your mind, your mind that has been wound up by the demands of presence, is violently freed to do its own bidding. In that space of solitude freshly juxtaposed to presence with others-- connection with others, great acts of mind occur.
Anyway, mid verse I received a knock on the door, a summons to the fire ring. My maul was needed. And after splitting the firewood for the evening, I ended up hanging out and drinking a fair bit too much, and ruining today in tedious hangover. Not my normal M.O., but what the hell else was I supposed to do?
This evening in achy defeat on the prior day's meditation, I drew a card from the Tarot. And by defeat I mean failing to find an answer to the question: "How does this all relate to the problem of being kinda lonely on three day weekends?"
The Magus (Magician)
"He cannot be understood because he is the Unconscious Will." - The Book of Thoth
And I have been doing some research on this one for the past several hours.
"but it was seen from very early times that the use of speech, or writing, meant the introduction of ambiguity at the best and falsehood at the worst; they therefore represented Thoth as followed by an ape, the cynocephalus, whose business it was to distort the word of the god; to mock, to simulate and to deceive. In philosophical language one may say: Manifestation implies illusion." -The Book of ThothSounds a hell of a lot like what I wrote two months ago on April 21. Interesting... but, what of it?
"And woe also be unto Him that refuseth the curse of the grade of a Magus, and the burden of the Attainment thereof.And in the word CHAOS let the Book be sealed; yea, let the Book be sealed."
-Liber I: Liber B Vel Magi Sub Figurâ 1hmm...
Then in a bit of verse tucked in the back of The Book of Thoth...
"be thou as Artemis to Pan"And this makes a hell of a lot of sense to me. Only a master can spin the wheel to land where he choses, and only through crossing a boundary of fear and suffering the chaotic consequences of repeated failure and reaping their unexpected rewards can he sharpen his aim to become that master, that Magus. Fearlessness took Artemis to Pan who gave her the dogs that made her the greatest of all hunters.
And on that note, I am indeed finding that as time has passed, the vacuum has leaked out of this room of solitude. Which means I need to get off my ass and create the power of connection again. Though on this spin of the wheel I'll for damned sure have to dig deeper into the nature of my intentions first and throughout, --to (hopefully) avoid (more of) the pitfalls inherent with the biology of being a damned dirty ape-- to avoid being the cynocephalus. Invoke with concentration and ardor.
Now if I just had some place to start.