Sunday, November 15, 2015

Wild Horses on the Lawn

Quick Update:

For starters the strep infection ran on for a rather absurdly long time.  Even at the end of a 10 day course of antibiotics I was still not doing terribly well, and a couple weeks after that even, my lymph nodes are still swollen, though I feel pretty, OK.

I made a brief attempt to do some work out at my land.  My energy was super low from having been so miserably sick for so long.  And it was cold.  Damned cold; so that's done for the season.

And I'm in Nevada now.  In a little shit town out in the desert, oddly enough living in some sort of small suburb, upon which wild horses descend at night to feast upon the sweet watered lawns.  A rather surreal living situation, but it seems to be working out just fine.

The plan this winter, for money, is to work as a Snow Ranger in the Sierra near Lake Tahoe.

On the home front, this is my primary plan:

Like I've said before, to hell with going to the gym.  It was a pretty serious investment, but I hate people, so this will pay dividends in terms motivation and thus of the duration I can continue working a seriously physical job in the outdoors.  It's good to be getting back into it after a bit of a break for some heavy stone work at Crater Lake and, of course, the illness.

Today, I have Internet again, so perhaps I will be able to post more frequently now that the bulk of the irritation from the twice-a-year homelessness phase has been dealt with.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Counting down

I've been knocked fully out of commission for six days now with a brutal strep and double inner-ear infection.  What am I? 6?

And now there are 6 days left to go till homelessness and I clearly will not end up being as well organized and prepared as I had hoped.  I should have been packing and sorting the things I'd need, and paying bills and sorting out bureaucracy etc, etc.  But instead I was shivering violently in front of a space heater and thrashing around in pain whenever I tried to swallow something.

And dropping things... everything.

There are a lot of topics that have been on my mind that I want to write about here, but still, I have neither the time nor the mindspace for it.  =/

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Two Weeks

Well it seems this run of visceral confrontation had at least one final and hard punch in the gut for me, of which I will not discuss here, though it is, of course, even without elaboration, interesting from something of an academic perspective having resulted directly from the previous post.  =/

I've hardly had the time to digest these things. Lately I've had many over-time opportunities at work which I have not been willing to pass up, despite the cost in energy.  And now there are only 2 weeks of work to go before the homelessness of November.  I've been starved for alone time to process and prepare and plan and...  From one extreme to another, as it always goes.  So I suppose I'm looking forward to the unemployment, particularly on account of it seeming that I have a job lined up in the Tahoe area for Winter within a month or two.  And 'Insha Allah, the interim time should give me time to put things mentally in order before the next phase... the next phase of work anyhow.  But the point is that I really need that time now.  And that is just not happening.  Uhg...

The things that matter are going smoothly, but damn, I certainly could use a four day weekend home alone to write, read, think, organize, and unwind before this acceleration into the end of the season spins and spits me out into the great question mark of whatever is next.

Life is good, but there are a lot of complex and subtle anxieties turbulently churning at various depths below the placid waters of my surface.  And I'm just hoping that they don't surface violently and ruin anything important in my life as they are too often wont to do.

Like Ezra Pound says and I quote so frequently, I really just need the time to "find precise verbal definitions for my inarticulate thoughts."

They are indeed many and complex.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Visceral Times

I recall this spring having read through some esoteric bit of astrological blah di dah about the next five months (these last five) and how I would come head on into collision with the more visceral elements of being human.  I'm paraphrasing of course.  But that was the gist.

Now at the end of that time period I'm looking back on exactly that.  Confirmation bias not withstanding.  Of course.

But I'm also wondering if this is an end point to it?

I've certainly seen a lot of the shittier aspects of humanity this summer.  Manipulation, treachery, weakness, and cruelty.  And as a result my appreciation of humans is yet lower.  But still I have been trying to take these witness experiences as ingredients from which to prepare a lesson.  And I think, in concert with some of the mistakes I've made with both my past relationship and my disastrous early spring attempt at dating I've been able to solidify some things about how I want to conduct myself.  The tricky part is not projecting those lofty expectations on other people.  Their lives are none of my business as long as they are not harming me and those I choose to hold under my sphere of protection.  And of course the really tricky part is living up to those expectations myself.

But that's beside the point.  The point is that I am in a peculiar way right now.  Very satisfied with my life and yet feeling rather distant from other people.  In a way it's a badge of victory, being self-accomplished enough to not require anything significant from others, but on the flip side I worry of contagion.  Can this general attitude toward humans, this attitude of expecting disappointment spread into closer, dearer relationships?  And what is the cost?

I ask this because sitting only a few inches from me across my mattress is a long-legged, green-eyed girl, and like me she is sharp and harsh, and reckless and loving, so it matters a lot to me right now.

The past four years or so have been something of an emotional holocaust for me when it comes to trusting and respecting women, as if the Fates have insisted in teaching me that doing either thing is a certain and terrible mistake.  And yet here I am having refused to listen entirely, and wondering if this is courage or stupidity, and not really caring one way or another because, goddammit, the only way to live, in my opinion is in such a way as to create a story worth telling, worth reading, worth hearing.

And I'll be homeless in a month.  And I have barely given it consideration; I can survive in the wilds.  It's a non-issue.  The issue is simply this:  Can I accept the words "I love you."

And my viscera churn on.

Tuesday, September 01, 2015


August was indeed a fatiguing month.

And my mandatory overtime is now finished, along with the accompanying 6, 10 hour day work weeks.

And yet I'm having difficulty catching up on sleep, still up at 4am on the regular, and all too often staying up past 11.  Four or Five hours a night catches up with you quickly when you move large rocks and swing a 3 lb hammer all day in the sun.

Over the last month, things on the social front have morphed and melded in bizarre near-psychedelic ways and it has been a month of drama for many people, and I haven't done quite as well as I maybe ought to have in staying out of it all.  But it is making for rich stories and memories at the least.

This morning I was so tired from paddling along this rip-tide that I went home within an hour of arriving at work and decided to make a rest day of it.  September it seems is going to be the breaking of a cresting wave and as much as I ought to gather up overtime hours and as much as I ought to push myself in the gym, I'm rather thinking it may be best to focus on managing my energy so I don't drown in the break.

I, again, have no idea what happens when October becomes November and the doors of this home are locked to me.  And I'm not terribly worried about it.  I just want to make sure to have the peace (and rest) of mind to make a better choice than I did last year, when I drifted from the West that I love and need and ended up hurting and being hurt more than I care to recall.

I wish I could rectify all that, to replay it and make it right, but it is beyond me, and so I just hope to have learned from it all as the wheel turns again.

Sunday, August 02, 2015

Nomex Daze

I just got off a 12.5 hr shift doing Fire overtime.  And for some reason I thought, Yeah! This would be a great time to make a cheesecake.  And now I'm waiting in a special sort of fatigued daze.

One of my employees quit early which has opened up a huge amount of overtime for my normal work.  So now I'm working 6 10hr days a week minimum for the next month or so.  Not much time for anything else in life.

But when I can force a bit of time for something other than work, among the choices of working on my cabin, pursuing women, and making and eating food, I am, of course going with the latter.

It's going to be an exhausting month for sure.  But I'll eat well.

Saturday, July 18, 2015


Still nothing really new to speak of.  =/

Work's OK.

Social life is meh, but OK.

Good health, getting stronger....  bored to shit.

Calm before the storm?